Lordt....

 I gotta stop falling into that dark rabbit hole.

Gone get my feelings hurt every time....

My ol hard headed ass lol.

Just continue doing the work dammit

Word....

Seems no matter how much progress you make,

You'll always have a pit of regret deep inside.

Its a dark hole really. 

Whole lot of nothingness, with no real kind of remedy 

or feeling to fill it.

 I want another chance.....all i think about...

Newton's Law

You push

You pull

Resultant force?

Zero, Zilch, Nada, Null....

Or is it?

Newton's Law states for every action

There is an equal & opposite reaction

Some of all forces equal to zero

But what if the push and pull are unequal

You pull me close

Then push me harder

I'm not physicist

But it looks like I got pushed farther

And if the forces acting on me 

continue at a constant rate

Then you'll that my displacement

will be altered at a steady pace

Distance affected

And honestly...

I dont feel the need to correct it

I started right there....

now I'm further out here

my eyes are on the diagram

Things are quite as they appear

.....betta check ya forces....

And I'm not talkin Nikes

It’s Time…or is it?

It’s Time…or is it?

Everyday I’m coming face to face with my demons

Wondering where in the world are my angels

I often wonder if there’s a difference

Yall know me…always checking out all the angles

There’s always an explanation

Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m always talking myself out of rising up

Attaching weight onto my potential

Dragging myself through the mud

“It’s much better in your safe space”

“You go out there you might not do as well as you thought you would”

“If you rise too high, you might not be the same guy…

And staying true to who you’ve been….that’s always good.”

How far does the rabbit hole go?

Round and round my mind goes

Where it stops……who the fuck knows.

I want answers

I want elevation

I want freedom

I want a revelation

Where does it begin?

I think the answer is in the mind

I think the answer is in my mind

I Think the answer isn’t hard to find

I think I’ve known the answer the whole time….

When I peer into myself

And I see what I could become

My first instinct is panic

The second is always run

Is it time that I embrace it?

Hop on this wave….pull next to the sun & race it?

I’m not sure if I’m ready to do all that

I’m not sure if I’m ready to sacrifice that

That being the chains of comfort….am I ready? Hell idk.

I do know its 2:03AM & I have work at 7.

So I do know its time to lay my ass down….

& While I Don’t know if I’ll have the answers when morning comes around….

I Do know that I’m tired of holding myself down

NEXT!

NEXT!

In my room listening to the shiny suit theory

As I let this melody carry my mind into the trees

Far from the place you all imagined it to be

Cuz internally I’m running from this task that needs to see

Itself rise from the depths to catch the warmth of the sunset

The warmth of comfort and satisfaction of a job well done.

I know you wanna be nosy.

I mean….who wouldn’t wanna know.

Simply put…I Need to Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it goooo.

Electronica planted the final seed

That my soul needed to finally succeed.

There are things in life that can be so damn blinding

That if you don’t get ya eyes right you’ll shoot yourself

Right off the winding road that is the path to ya dreams

You’re either here to build or to destroy

And I have zero intentions of the latter

I spent sooo long constructing this ladder

But I forgot to take the time to climb it

And so with the next leg of my maturation in my face

And I feel no real desire to remain in this place

I place all my fears, restraints & shackles on this altar

Feel the breeze of progress as it begins to blow

Let it carry all this shit away

Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it gooooo

Ghost In The Shell (July 5, 2009 at 1:34pm)

Ghost in the Shell

I've been longin for this time alone
Lately i've felt so out of my zone
Even in the comfort of my own home
Seemz like im here yet....
So far away
My mind'z gone astray
I seem normal to you
But even the poles inside my mind see the change
we work 25/8 to find the source
but of course
as you can tell....i've got nothin

Days of summer fly by
I guess its easy to see why i hate it
Cuz it seems i've lost myself in it
Havin to put on a show for customers & employers on the daily
Itz like a poison tryin 2 destroy me
Jeez i even have to put one a special act for ma family
Cuz they dont even kno the real me

So to me its like i spend half my day being a fake me
Then i spend the other half hiding the real me
Keepin these thingz in mind
itz clearly safe to say i've "Lost" the real me
Lost in the "realness" of the real, working world
Lost in the "respect" of the family world
Deep down in the dark corridors of my brain
I've banished my two sides to sleep
"Rest"...until I've received the chance to be free
"Sleep".....until I've gotten a chance to be me...
I'm on "autopilot" now.....just a walkin respectful, humble employee
The perfect son, who does as he's told
Just........a Ghost In The Shell.........

But...One day......I'll wake up.....nd I'm goin Hard wen i Do.....
Nap.............Time........*Yawn*.........

Slither (June 17, 2009 at 2:33am)

Slither

You're on me
But not for long
You gotta go
Though you've done nothing wrong
You've got your hold on me
Though the warm feelin has me feenin
Nd while I'm dreamin im still feenin,
about how this feelin came to be
nd it'll never be clear to me
but wen i look inside myself
itz plain to see
that i can't allow you to be in me

Nope...no more
So I begin the process
Yes there will be much stress
But im on the path of success
and havn u slowz me down
......nd i cant have that

I'm at a rock and a hard place
But instead of turnin around
I begin to snake my way between them
No callz, no texts
Nd as hard as it is....
I say no to your sex
Now dont get me wrong you're a marvelous woman
Nd i nor ma people understand ma decision
But ur ability to shoot me down
wit a markzman's precision
make me say no

I feel your hold on me losing its grip
I'm grindin and scratchin and fightin
just to keep ya name off ma lipz
Awkward moments wen we're together
You try harder to hold on
LIke the rock nd hard place just got tighter
But Of course you kno ima fighter
Scrpaes & bruises will come to ma mental
Cuz now im pushin through harder
First you were holdin on
Now your existence is barely there
Just a memory, nd that is how i'll keep it
For now...

See wat you have witnessed
Is a short description
Of how i picture
Getting you off my mind will be
Itz pretty damn plain to see
That losing you will be
LIke a snake....that sheds its skin
Leaves it behind so life wit new skin can begin

I Broke My Face...(Parte Dos) (June 2, 2009 at 4:59am)

I Broke My Face...(Parte Dos)

Until one night
I had finally fallen asleep
Nd I felt, like a million voices spoke to me
Supersonic ears, i was takin it all in
There was one message that stood out to me

A familiar voice
From a past i refused to remember
It was wen life was all but calm and tender
No loving care, no one there
But mom...
it was mom....
Not maternal, but she took care of me wen i was out
Younger than me, but she knew wat she was talkin about

Wat she told me
I will not share
But wen I awoke
Many tears...i did bare
For i was givin hope...
Hope for tomorrow
Hope to end my sorrow
It all had crashed down
Nd now...i had a chance to turn it around

To be there...wen someone called ma name
To be there...wen someone needed a hand
To be there...wen its time to see a new age..
To be there...to see ma brother walk across that stage
Cuz all in all....I just wanna be there....

Talkin wit ma friend that asked me that fateful question
I had wanted to mention
all that took place inside the dimension of my sub-conscious
But all i could tell her was all she needed to know
Nd that one day...it would be my time to go....
but it wasnt today....
...I'm gonna live......I just kno it

That'z all i said....

-.....She told me wat she had meant to say altogether was,
"What's Wrong with your face?
You Don't Smile anymore..."

- You won't see my real smile using my mouth...
- The mouth is a tool used to tell lies
- You lookin for my real smile
- I'd say look deep into my soul
- You can see that deep...yup..you can...
- Just look me in the eyes...

I Broke My Face (June 2, 2009 at 4:34am)

I Broke My Face

Dedicated to tha short lady headed to London &
to the lady who asked me the question

One day i received a hurtful question
One that made my body quiver with tension
I'm pretty sure you could only imagine
How it felt when my friend asked me....

"What's Wrong With Your Face?"
.
.
.
.
.....silence...........


I was taken aback
For I thought she was talkin smack
Smack that would lead to me droppin her on her back
But she quickly saw my dismay
Nd she showed me wat she meant
Nd it was on that day
That i realized..that I broke my face....

She told me wat she had meant to say altogether was,
"What's Wrong with your face?
You Don't Smile anymore..."

Wow.....
I wondered had my life really gotten that bad
Had the bad news finally taken over
Is this the part where i just roll over
....It seemed that way.....

Sleep became more irrelevant
My attitude...more hellbent
I began to ignore all that was heaven sent
Because i felt like it was all over

Time was against me
Hate poured thru me
Nd while good thingz were happenin to me
All I would ever see
Is just the seconds leaving me
Tick...
Tock...
Tick....
Tock....

And as i lost focus on watz important
I lost my smile
You may think you saw it
But that thing on ma face was a fake
I haven't seen my smile in a while

The happiness i once had seemed so far away
Bcuz on the inside, i could feel myself deteriorate
A child of the night
A demon of the day
It seemed that life had already sealed my fate
So it had seemed....until.........

Mind Control (June 2, 2009 at 5:26am)

Mind Control

I open my eyes
I open up my cranium
I begin tha day thinkin
About wat person i've painted on ma face
Could it be the happy nice guy,
Confused day wanderer
Mean, hate the world azz nigga
Or the sad, woe is me depressor

It doesn't matter to me who i am
Because at the beginning and end of the day
I control, who I am...
And believe it or not i can control who you are too
Bcuz using my mind & wordz as one,
I can make you feel high
I can make you feel hella low
If you let me in...
Where ma attitude goes...you'll follow
Because I have control of you
Because YOU allow me to....

The is no joke in my voice
What I say goes
Because everyone knows
In this day & age
individuality does not matter
That mess will get you shunned
You'll be a social leper
Definitely not wat you want to be
So i'll help you out....
Just listen to me
Do as I say
Everyday...nd i swear
You'll fit in with all the rest

You see...they all listen to me
Because to them...I am all they see
I am wats hot....
I am wats not....
I am the ins
I am the outs
And if you're not apart of it
You must be against it
And to be against me
Means you're against them
And to be against them
Means...you'll have no friends

Don't You Get it yet?
I am the ruler of your generation
The killer of all thingz bright & new
Cuz if it doesnt ride wit me
Then it doesnt come to be

*Sigh*
Wat are you SLow?
Let me spelled it out for ya....
I am the music
I am the clothes
I am the hustlas
I am the hoes
I am the news
I am the movies
I go hard
I got swag
I'm everything..
That you'll never have
Everything you see around you....
Unless you Join me...
Simply Becuase..
It is me....
I own you kidz....
I am..

SoCiEtY....

I am..

The Times....

Epic (May 19, 2009 at 5:06am)

Epic

Allow me to paint a picture:

Rain is falling sideways
Nightfall with a slight wind
Here on this grassy plain
An epic battle will begin

All the cards on the table
No looking back
For this time, itz personal
And for one of us...there will be no coming back

Too much power for us to exist at one time
Too much pride for one of us to bow down
So its time to see who takes the crown
Nd its time to see who will be laid down

The issue had been pressed long
The problem had been put off
Now the issue has turned into a monster
Nd this monster is on a mission
A mission to take over
A mission to destroy
A mission take my life in its hands
A toss me around like im some kind of toy
But mama aint raise no fool
Im no ones tool
I refuse to be the fuel to ignite the flames of a wrong destiny..
destiny....tccchhh
I say i make my own
Letting someone else decide my fate...
just somethiing my black azz just doesnt condone

See now the tears are rolling
Cuz i kno wats at stake
Requiem for a dream controls my pace
I said no goodbyes because i will return from this place
Im focused man...
Victory is in ma vision
The path from here to there is all im missin

I approach the grassy plains where its all goin down
In the distance i see the enemy....yup....its goin down
no longer a slow pace
its now or never
a W is all im after if things ever hope to get better
thoughts, memories, and dreams of loved ones come around
and with that...a final tear hits the ground
because they fuel my fire
to return to them safe...is my only desire

Face to Face with the enemy
Now or never...time to win
Across the grassy plain....
Plain which resides in my mind
Hang on tight...cuz this will be on hell of a ride...
Cuz.....

The battle for my mind....my life....my soul....is about to begin

I got goals....nshyt

SO...its something about seeing the things you are actually afraid to accomplish inch closer and closer. Like yeah I know its my blog  and all but I'm still not quite confident enough in my dreams. Needless to say I'm still goin for em. I guess when I start putting things out there, that'll be like my........."Here's what I wanna do with my spare time" announcement lol. I'm lame yes I know. But hell I'm deep down, supa lowkey excited. The ideas, the creativity, the dreams. I'm bursting with emotion and anticipation man. Stay Tuned.


Captain HeartLess

1 Month In The A....

Its been a day or two past the one month date of me arriving in Atlanta, and so far, its quite the adjustment. The city appears dope. I haven't actually gotten around to checking out more of it but that's because its a real big city. Its like every lil section has its own sites & attractions. I try to hit one when I can on the weekends, but its such a small dent. In the mean time I've been focused on work & finding myself an apartment. Hopefully I receive some good news on that search Monday. I'm eager to get life on my own in the A started. Plus it'll allow me some extra sleep time in the morning instead of getting up so early to catch the Xpress bus to the city.

Work is a steady climb as I'm still new to working in an office full of "IT professionals". For the sake of "it doesn't bother me like that", we're gonna avoid talking about the whole "I'm the only black guy in this office" thing. Let's just....not....cool. I do happen to like the lax environment I work in. Dress code is "whatever makes you comfy", I can go to lunch when I please, & I don't have to ask permission for much. As long as I'm making the necessary contributions to the project in a better than timely manner. I appear to be on the right track, although sometimes I feel like the people I work with think I'm not as smart as them. Hard to tell when they don't speak English around you. O well, though. I don't have time for the workplace gossip, tryna get this MONEY!

Football season is approaching & I really wanna do some traveling. See some HBCU games now that I'm in an area that makes SWAC and SIAC games easily affordable and accessible from a travel standpoint. I'll have to balance that with other responsibilities, but hey....I'm me. I can do this.

I think I'm gonna TRY to starting doing some more writing and letting my thoughts out. That'll keep me sane as I continuously try to push myself & others toward greatness.


HeartLess

Pregunta..........

Why is the world so big?

Why can't I save everyone on it?

Why do important people materialize in your life out of the blue?

Why do people only want to be the only one to matter to you?

Is that right?

Is that selfish?

Is that life?

Is that what this is?

I wanna save the world

One issue at a time

Prevent every tear from hitting the ground

But Sadly suffering is apart of the game

And the struggle is everlasting

The pressure will forever mount

But with the pressure will come diamonds.....

......You  must not break

You may bend

You may fold

But be sure to uncrinkle

iron yourself out

Get ya mind right

And bounce back

I never wanted to be superman,

But my mind calls to my cape

I think about the good things I wanna do for people

Think about it under the stars each & every day

Cuz there are good people out there

I know so many

Just waiting for their big break...................Like I Was

.........and still am....

Just wish I had the right words

the right push

the power to fix it all

To grant everyone one wish

But unfortunately I'm merely human

And my reach is only so far

I'll continue to be a beacon of light (& dark)

& try to make everyday count....

but to answer the question......

......No tengo las repuestas a las preguntas

DORMIR???? QUE ES???? (May 12, 2009 at 6:03am)

 Layin on the carpet
Thinkin about why i cant sleep
Random thoughts and memories
Speed thru my mind doin one fifty
My past...
Thoughts of not belongin
My present
Thoughts of wantin..
My future
Thoughts of.......
Blank.....
I got nothin
And so i wonder
wats in store for me
as each day rolls by
health deteriorates 
and i hate
that one day i must leave behind all that i did
but to just roll over and take it
is just not my style
and with that being said
i'll say wat jeezy said
"Run the streets all day, i can sleep wen i die"
If the heavens are callin
then ummmm...im not respondin
I've done so much
Nd i haven't scraped the surface
I'm on the grind for the shine
Cuz i know my purpose
........Or do I
20yrs down
Who knows how many more i have to go
But in the end I just want them all to know
Whatz itz like to experience ma happy
Ma happy is wen u can look at urself
not care wat the world thinks
nd keep it movin
Ma happy is wen u can say wat u want
Nd know that you'll b understood fully
no matter wat u say or how u say it
Ma happy is just simply....Ma happy

Layin on the carpet
Thinkin about the simple fact that
I cant sleep is that maybe 
....Just Maybe......I'm not meant to
....Just Maybe......I'm meant to be awake
Maybe i'm meant to be here
maybe i'm meant to mean something to someone
with that lodged in my brain
im sayin this now
no way im quittin life
no way no how
i've done much
i've learned alot
i've met plenty of people
but am i done???
me thinkz not!
im the meaning of get crunk musik
im the embodiment of hope
im the carrier of dreams
from myself to my forefathers
nd i dare someone to prove me otherwise
the world is plastic
....fake
....itz hard to figure out who's wearin a disguise
but time heals ALL scars
nd it also reveals all secrets
so wen i say im pullin off all of life's bars
just kno i mean nothin will stop me from livin
just kno im gonna keep on givin
im on a search for the real
on a search for a chance
a simple chance
.......to live

So sleep...wat is that
I work 24/7
on a strive for perfection

AYYYYYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
FUCK WIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Sleep is for those who are ready 2 die......nd im clearly awake....~HeaRTleSS~

Layin on the carpet

Thinkin about why i cant sleep

Random thoughts and memories

Speed thru my mind doin one fifty

My past...

Thoughts of not belongin

My present

Thoughts of wantin..

My future

Thoughts of.......

Blank.....

I got nothin

And so i wonder

wats in store for me

as each day rolls by

health deteriorates 

and i hate

that one day i must leave behind all that i did

but to just roll over and take it

is just not my style

and with that being said

i'll say wat jeezy said

"Run the streets all day, i can sleep wen i die"

If the heavens are callin

then ummmm...im not respondin

I've done so much

Nd i haven't scraped the surface

I'm on the grind for the shine

Cuz i know my purpose

........Or do I

20yrs down

Who knows how many more i have to go

But in the end I just want them all to know

Whatz itz like to experience ma happy

Ma happy is wen u can look at urself

not care wat the world thinks

nd keep it movin

Ma happy is wen u can say wat u want

Nd know that you'll b understood fully

no matter wat u say or how u say it

Ma happy is just simply....Ma happy

Layin on the carpet

Thinkin about the simple fact that

I cant sleep is that maybe 

....Just Maybe......I'm not meant to

....Just Maybe......I'm meant to be awake

Maybe i'm meant to be here

maybe i'm meant to mean something to someone

with that lodged in my brain

im sayin this now

no way im quittin life

no way no how

i've done much

i've learned alot

i've met plenty of people

but am i done???

me thinkz not!

im the meaning of get crunk musik

im the embodiment of hope

im the carrier of dreams

from myself to my forefathers

nd i dare someone to prove me otherwise

the world is plastic

....fake

....itz hard to figure out who's wearin a disguise

but time heals ALL scars

nd it also reveals all secrets

so wen i say im pullin off all of life's bars

just kno i mean nothin will stop me from livin

just kno im gonna keep on givin

im on a search for the real

on a search for a chance

a simple chance

.......to live

So sleep...wat is that

I work 24/7

on a strive for perfection

AYYYYYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

FUCK WIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sleep is for those who are ready 2 die......nd im clearly awake....~HeaRTleSS~

3/25 - 3:51AM - Sheesh

My bday Is coming up & once again I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! I mean, I wish I was still in school for times like this. It was sooooo much easier to hit up the team & say, well...I know what I wanna do. Grab the bottles & lets all get plastered with the womenfolk. Now that I'm back in Charlotte, I don't really have a "go to squad" anymore so it feels like I'm always ridin solo. Eh, idk I guess I'll figure something out & turn up with it. Sometimes you just gotta make the best of a situation and take it to the max ya know!?


ALSO: I'm frantically searching for a new look for the blog...so it make look different until I find what I'm looking for.....and I have no clue what that is or will be....see a recurring theme with me..smh

3/23 - 5:53AM - Lets Begin

I think this is gonna be the start of a very busy week for me. I'm not sure exactly how I'm gonna tackle some of the tasks I have laid out before me. But I know I've got to put forth a positive damn attitude in order to expect some positive damn results. Even in life's biggest obstacles that fill you with the greatest amount of uncertainty, you must approach every obstacle like you're really about to beat its ass. Mind Over Matter.

So here's a good luck to you as you prepare for the week ahead.

3/21 - 3:14AM - Opinions Are Truly Like Assholes

So...we've all heard the saying, "Opinions are like assholes.....everyone has one", right? Well if you haven't before just then......shut up and pretend you've heard it before, cool? .....

Well, for this lil piece tonight, I shall refer to the opinions of people as....that's right, you guessed it, assholes.

Well let me say for starters, I acknowledge that everyone has assholes & while your asshole might be similar to his asshole or her asshole, I personally believe that no two assholes are the same. I know you're feelin' like .....

...and that's fair because guess what? That's MY ASSHOLE lol. Iight I'm havin' too much fun with this. Not gonna stop though so let's continue. I feel this way because your life experiences and influences will greatly influence & shape your asshole. It's very easy to relate to other's life stories and you can also easily take on their asshole because it resonates with your asshole. 

There are many influences that will mold your asshole. Friends will gather round and tell stories about what's goin on in the latest gossip. Social media will greatly impact your asshole & lets not forget reality tv. Just some of the many asshole shapers and molders out here. Are those changing your asshole? For the better or worse? Nothing is wrong is an evolving asshole, remember that. But make sure your asshole remains your asshole.

I shall write more on assholes later. I'm not sure where the direction of this asshole conversation was going....I just like rambling about things sometime.

To Be Continued......

3/18 - 3:39AM - A good Step

Mood: "N.E.R.D. - Breakout"

Career fair in the morning. Nervous jitters inside because I honestly don't excel to selling myself to people that already "are" where I want to be. Bleh... I guess my confidence in my abilities is not to where its like "I'm the shit & you need to recognize that shit" yet. That's the goal. Of course, in a subtle yet effective way. But yea, I want to one day be able to eloquently show my stuff in an interview, face-to-face setting. But I suppose you can't get to that level without that type of "gameday experience". So I'm gonna rest, eat well & walk into the building like I have something to prove. Hell who knows, might find someone that wants to get me out of Charlotte & pay me. Or at least give me some pointers on how to get myself out of Charlotte to someone that will pay me. Either way, I just want to be compensated for doing something I like to do.

......doing something I like to do. That seems to be my real issue. I like to do alot. I feel I'm well rounded. Which is the issue. I'm good at a lot of things, but I haven't found that niche, that "thing", that area where I'm just knockout GREAT at. I'm learning in my IT GroupMe that it's very important that you find your "thing" to excel at & be great with it. Become an expert, a specialist and be recognized for it so that you can control negotiations for  the demands you seek. That's what I want. That's where I want to be. That's my focus.