Pregunta..........

Why is the world so big?

Why can't I save everyone on it?

Why do important people materialize in your life out of the blue?

Why do people only want to be the only one to matter to you?

Is that right?

Is that selfish?

Is that life?

Is that what this is?

I wanna save the world

One issue at a time

Prevent every tear from hitting the ground

But Sadly suffering is apart of the game

And the struggle is everlasting

The pressure will forever mount

But with the pressure will come diamonds.....

......You  must not break

You may bend

You may fold

But be sure to uncrinkle

iron yourself out

Get ya mind right

And bounce back

I never wanted to be superman,

But my mind calls to my cape

I think about the good things I wanna do for people

Think about it under the stars each & every day

Cuz there are good people out there

I know so many

Just waiting for their big break...................Like I Was

.........and still am....

Just wish I had the right words

the right push

the power to fix it all

To grant everyone one wish

But unfortunately I'm merely human

And my reach is only so far

I'll continue to be a beacon of light (& dark)

& try to make everyday count....

but to answer the question......

......No tengo las repuestas a las preguntas

3/25 - 3:51AM - Sheesh

My bday Is coming up & once again I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! I mean, I wish I was still in school for times like this. It was sooooo much easier to hit up the team & say, well...I know what I wanna do. Grab the bottles & lets all get plastered with the womenfolk. Now that I'm back in Charlotte, I don't really have a "go to squad" anymore so it feels like I'm always ridin solo. Eh, idk I guess I'll figure something out & turn up with it. Sometimes you just gotta make the best of a situation and take it to the max ya know!?


ALSO: I'm frantically searching for a new look for the blog...so it make look different until I find what I'm looking for.....and I have no clue what that is or will be....see a recurring theme with me..smh

3/23 - 5:53AM - Lets Begin

I think this is gonna be the start of a very busy week for me. I'm not sure exactly how I'm gonna tackle some of the tasks I have laid out before me. But I know I've got to put forth a positive damn attitude in order to expect some positive damn results. Even in life's biggest obstacles that fill you with the greatest amount of uncertainty, you must approach every obstacle like you're really about to beat its ass. Mind Over Matter.

So here's a good luck to you as you prepare for the week ahead.

3/21 - 3:14AM - Opinions Are Truly Like Assholes

So...we've all heard the saying, "Opinions are like assholes.....everyone has one", right? Well if you haven't before just then......shut up and pretend you've heard it before, cool? .....

Well, for this lil piece tonight, I shall refer to the opinions of people as....that's right, you guessed it, assholes.

Well let me say for starters, I acknowledge that everyone has assholes & while your asshole might be similar to his asshole or her asshole, I personally believe that no two assholes are the same. I know you're feelin' like .....

...and that's fair because guess what? That's MY ASSHOLE lol. Iight I'm havin' too much fun with this. Not gonna stop though so let's continue. I feel this way because your life experiences and influences will greatly influence & shape your asshole. It's very easy to relate to other's life stories and you can also easily take on their asshole because it resonates with your asshole. 

There are many influences that will mold your asshole. Friends will gather round and tell stories about what's goin on in the latest gossip. Social media will greatly impact your asshole & lets not forget reality tv. Just some of the many asshole shapers and molders out here. Are those changing your asshole? For the better or worse? Nothing is wrong is an evolving asshole, remember that. But make sure your asshole remains your asshole.

I shall write more on assholes later. I'm not sure where the direction of this asshole conversation was going....I just like rambling about things sometime.

To Be Continued......

3/18 - 3:39AM - A good Step

Mood: "N.E.R.D. - Breakout"

Career fair in the morning. Nervous jitters inside because I honestly don't excel to selling myself to people that already "are" where I want to be. Bleh... I guess my confidence in my abilities is not to where its like "I'm the shit & you need to recognize that shit" yet. That's the goal. Of course, in a subtle yet effective way. But yea, I want to one day be able to eloquently show my stuff in an interview, face-to-face setting. But I suppose you can't get to that level without that type of "gameday experience". So I'm gonna rest, eat well & walk into the building like I have something to prove. Hell who knows, might find someone that wants to get me out of Charlotte & pay me. Or at least give me some pointers on how to get myself out of Charlotte to someone that will pay me. Either way, I just want to be compensated for doing something I like to do.

......doing something I like to do. That seems to be my real issue. I like to do alot. I feel I'm well rounded. Which is the issue. I'm good at a lot of things, but I haven't found that niche, that "thing", that area where I'm just knockout GREAT at. I'm learning in my IT GroupMe that it's very important that you find your "thing" to excel at & be great with it. Become an expert, a specialist and be recognized for it so that you can control negotiations for  the demands you seek. That's what I want. That's where I want to be. That's my focus.

3/17 - 3:30AM - Some Real Words

I remember being in GroupMe a few days ago & lookin around at all the positive moves the people in the group was making. At times I get around people that are makin' serious moves and I get a lil discouraged. I mean like, where's my moves? Where's my breakthroughs? Where're my lil triumphs? Its rather tough....naw its really tough. Because I know I'm good enough to be makin these moves too. I can be great too...I mean....Why Not Me...lol

And then I was told "Just strive to be better than you were yesterday". And I began to calm down. I really took that statement to heart. Like, success can take a long time to develop. And I have to learn that this shyt is literally baby steps man. As long as I can utilize my time wisely and make the most of 24 hours, I should be ok. Its not all going to come together overnight & in the same breath, it won't all come apart either. Life is uncertainty, faith, chances, success, failures and everything in between. I'll take them all on one day at a time.

3/16 - 3:28AM - Man What!?

"What?" So many possible questions could stem from that one word. And for every question that is created, I don't really seem to to have a way to find the answers. That shit is frustrating. Like, why are the answers to life's questions always a novel full of mystery? But then again, I suppose if we had all the answers, life would be as interesting....would it? Hell naw....I can tell now it wouldn't.


PS: Let March Madness begin. I'll spend my Monday taking care of stuff for the career fair & filling out brackets lol.

3/13 - Realizations - 2:26AM

So I got hit in the head with some realness today. And it made me realize that I'm not fully taking advantage of some possible opportunities laid out in front of me. I need to do better. I can do better & I will do better. 

In other news I bought myself a dry-erase weekly calendar. It's proving to already be an effective investment as I feel more and more organized the more I use it. Perhaps I'll keep some diet/hygiene tips on there as well. Lord knows I could really stand for my health to be loads better than it is now. Some days I feel as if my body is going to fall apart while other days I don't notice a thing. A little hard-nosed discipline will go a long way.

I'm also realizing that making it to my dream is gonna take some time. I have much to learn and plenty of ground to make up from my slacking days. Its been caught to me and now I'm ready to catch up my damn self. I'm just ready to make moves and it leaves me feeling as if I'm running in quicksand sometimes. One day & one chapter at a time & I'll be on my way up soon enough. 

3/12 - Music - 4:21AM

Music....man I am music....music music music. Music gets me through my failures, my triumphs, ups, downs, lefts, northeasts & southwests. Like for every life moment or emotion. There is a song...for real though. It's amazing how music and affect & amplify emotions. I don't know where I'm supposed to be going with this. I just felt like saying I love music man. Maybe I'll expand on how music saved me....ehhh....maybe not. lol Idk man

3/7 1:42AM I Love The Game.....

Have you ever asked yourself, "What do you love....and why?" Like seriously, have you ever asked yourself why you like the things that you do? Some answers will be deeper than others. Some are hard to explain......one thing I love....the game.....I'll expand on this one night when I'm not feelin heavily buzzed......chea

3/6 3:30AM --- Hi There

Well, another night, wide the hell awoke. I try my best to be production in these early morning hours to make up for the sleep I know I'm eventually gonna get in a few hours. I find its easier to focus. There are less distractions while the rest of the world is catching Z's. At times I do wish I had someone to carry conversation while I check things off of my to-do list at night. But the normal folk & 9-5'ers must get their rest so I gut it out on my own. I guess I could do at least one entry a day. Yea....i'll give that a shot during March. Even if its just one sentence, I'm gonna try and log-in & spill some of my brain on to this here screen. I think it'll be a good stress reliever. Chea. You'll find these entries in the "My Thoughts" section I suppose.

Keep It Real Tho......

First of all 'merica
Let me say, I'm human
I see, I think, I feel
So in no way shape or form
WIll you find me  apologizing
For the components of life that make me real...

BUT what defines real
or maybe "real" or real?
Fuck if I know
Those definitions that you require
to make you feel better about certain situations
going on in your life make me no mind
Of course I'm lying
Of course it makes me some mind
Or made

Life has an awesome timing system
To let you know when you are no longer needed
In the lives of your peers

Sometimes we fail the mission
to shut up & get missin
because your variable
is not a necessity to the equation
And now that its taken you some
time to define the sum
of the individuals that still think of you as an ally
and at times its staggering
that you cant make it to your toes on the amount of folk you can turn to

Let me slow the train down
Because even that number is a misconception
A misdirection
to the end goal of fuqwitables

The number of people you can count on
Will always be larger than the number of people
That you will feel comfortable turning to
When you get pressed up against that wall

So coming full circle
On the subject of "real"
I dont need your explanation
or your reasoning
Dont need ya side eyes
Or "see that's why"'s

All I need is you to come clean
And simply face the jury of my court
And read....

"You belong on the other side of the greater than sign
When I say the "People You Can count On < People You Can Turn To"

100%???? Yeah Right....

These days we live in a world where people live by the "Keep it 100" code. As that's really admirable...like its really admirable. You should strive for saying what you feel 100% of the time. But often I notice that you just can't keep it all the way 100. Now there could be several factors that could assume responsibility for this phenomena. Every person and situation is different. So many different variables and factors and people and things to consider. Its enough to make your head spin.

But my gripe here today comes in when someone NEEDS that 100. For their own good, for their own sake, their humanity. Some will come in right about now with the usual excuses like, "Its not my place" or "You wouldn't like my answer"...or even the lovely "Its not what you wanna hear right now..." Shyt like that....grinds my fuggin gears man. If you know the person in question like you'd claim to, then you have to deliver your opinion. Expose their life to a new angle that could push them in the direction that could be more beneficial to them.

Instead of the tough love that's desperately needed, people oft turn to dishing out "Facebook Status Responses". For those that don't understand what that is...lemme break it down for you. You ever log into your facebook and you seem some sappy "I need some attention" type status? Of course you do, because that's what that status box is for. The "Hey! Welcome to my life and whats going on in it box" But anyways the "positive responses" under said box feel all kinds of generic and hallmark cardish....

Sometimes I feel thats the kind of responses I get from people. And to be honest....I hate it. Makes me feel like keeping it all to myself because people don't know me well enough to give it to me raw.......(at 2am...that entire sentence was just all.....smh) But yea..I mean....its the truth. People should respect the fact that whether you like it or not I'm gonna tell you the complete truth about how I feel about a certain situation you want my opinion on. So why can't I get the same in return. Am I too weak-minded? Is that it....hell I don't know.

Damn I'm hungry.......TO THE KITCHEN....Peace 

ya know what.....

Lemme try and break it down
What it looks like...
When I can't seem to process my thoughts
Because they want to sprint at 100 mph
And I just want ONE topic to maybe write about
But I cant fuckin calm my self enough
_________________________________________________________________________________


Stop, Go.
Say something
No...Dont!
Make a left, hang a right!
Turn around...cuz this isn't right.
We're struggling, we're weak
We're running in circles
We know not what we seek.
Run away....& never return
Poor fuel on it....& watch it burn
These people are your friends
They're here for you
....These people aren't your friends
....They're never here for you
Life can take you anywhere cuz you're fuckin awesome
But you'll never go anywhere cuz you're scared
You'll never be happy...cuz you'll always care
I want money
I want a new body
I want a new spine
I want everything that I want....to be mine
Why aren't I strong enough
Why wasn't I firm enough
Why wasn't I more decisive.
Why wasn't I more combative.
Why do I always doubt
that if i take a leap of faith
....everything is gonna be ok


You see I just wanna turn the voices in my head down..
perhaps not off
Just enough so I can focus on one
And try to sort through my feelings and thoughts and opinions
It seems that I'm always being bombarded a ton of opinions and instructions
that I don't have a clear grasp on my own ideals
or that they get blended and manipulated

Cuz lets be real
You're only meant to be the person people need you to be
And when thats over....then...well...you know the rest

Bleh....I can't figure out what I wanna write about
This is all too frustrating.
Just wanna keel over bruh.....



SOMEBODY HELP ME!

What I've Learned This Week

....just for kicks....
...here's a quick rundown...
...of what I happened to pick up on...

____________________________________________________


Here we go.....WELL.....

my mental lock has been opened up
and I feel like my writing is back
I like that I'm able to express myself
without opening my mouth to say a word


I'm afraid of the looming changes that are coming
The future is creepy...going on about the future on your own
waaaaaaaay more creepy

Some people will never acknowledge their own wrongs
But will be quick to point yours out
& when theirs are brought to the table
it holds no comparison to how its handled in reverse
*shrugs*....duly noted

I'm just tryna stay above water.
I cried this week...publicly.....
It wasn't liberating...I didn't feel better
It hurt.....real bad....it still hurts
Cried last night....might cry tonight...

Talking to people helps
Just dont know how to do it consistently
So used to being on my own for my own problems
Just used to being the ears for others....
I'll learn one day

Let the countdown begin tho....

......Vent...Purge....Whatever

ok.....
This year is just for me
Just to get some things out cuz see
I dont know what its like to be me
right now...I dont feel whole
I paint on my happy face
When I awake
Becuase I dont know how to deal
I dont know how to acknowledge & assess whats real

So I decided to just use this as my canvas
I dont know how much is gonna spew
Or how organized it'll be.
But I'm just gonna type until I cant.
Dont expect any continuity, rhyme or reason
If you happen to stumble upon this.

*Deep breath*

Who Am I?
When did I become so weak?
Why do I worry so much?


Why wasn't I there for you?
You took a knife & literally carved out my future.
Told me I would never have to deceive anymore
Would never have to thieve anymore
Would never have to grieve anymore
The next day I was in the back of the 12 mobile
...a few months later I landed in the 704
....and I made a change...while knowing cuz of you
I'd forever remain humble, remain changed, remain heartless.
words will never be able to explain my hurt
or my gratitude.....I've had such a change in attitude
and i owe it all to you.....and now you're gone....
What the hell do I do now...
I've tried all my usual coping methods
And all its doing is exposing their massive ineffectiveness
Just feel like.....ehh fuck it.....

Why aren't I good enough for the truth?
The malice & poison you throw at me
Has to burn somewhere In there somewhere
because of the truth that lies out there where the Trojans play
but of course theres no way I'd ever know about it
History repeats itself I guess
& we appear to be two plates
following the tectonic flow of landmasses.

Is running away my best option?
I don't wanna go anywhere
But i feel....stagnant, complacent & useless.
and not to anyone...I mean for myself....
Cuz I put myself in this position
And now I have to pull myself out of myself....

Why...why why why

Sometimes I dont give a fuck
Other days I care too much
and sometimes i'd rather just launch all of my memories
into outer speace....

Miserable right now man....seems that football is my only pick-me-up

.....so...quick question

....at what point in time did the concept of "opinion" disappear off the face of the earth? How is it that if someone doesn't like a person, place, idea, or concept like you do, it is then ok, to attack this person's credibility and/or lifestyle or basically their opinion? Strange world we live in. People now have platforms where their 2 cents can be heard and felt at any time. But if someone were to DIRECTLY disagree with said 2 cents, you'll go out your way to belittle said person.

How does this work? When did this happen? People are so weak in their own mind where they can't accept the fact that someone sees a certain concept differently from  you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hearing another person out and still holding on to your own opinion. I mean....that is the basis of opinion right? Everyone can have their own that can be molded or shaped by what the eyes & ears take in & other influences. People are forever evolving mentally, both in a positive & negative manner. But it is very important to see that in order to make it far in this life, you have to not be so thin skinned. Everyone is not gonna like you, your mind, your ideas.......


O THE FUCK WELL...

Maybe........

Do I seem perturbed?
Maybe I am
Maybe I am not.
Maybe I'm just releasing alot of things I had on the inside
Maybe I'm just taking in more than I can hide.
Maybe I'm destined for greatness.
Maybe I'm heading for failure.
Maybe I'm on a cosmic ride called life and I dont know where its taking me.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm insane.
Maybe I'm just here to change the game.
Maybe the game is broken...
Maybe life is supposed to be easy
Maybe I lied

...(ok I lied)...

Maybe you lied too?
Maybe thats what people that care do?
Maybe thats NOT what people that care do? (LOL)
Maybe you dont care?
Maybe I dont?
Maybe I should eat something?
....maybe I won't....
Maybe I want some water
Maybe I want some liquor
Maybe I should leave her alone
Maybe I Should kiss her
Maybe I'll do something productive today
Maybe I'll be lazy
All these questions & I never once questioned...
Maybe my black ass is crazy....

Maybe the laugh's on me
& Life was telling me a joke...

or thats how the song goes lol......

#HeartLess

Mi Purga Uno

At times I don't I know whats best for me
Is it person, place or thing
That I'm out here trying to seek
Everyday is a confusing mundane repeat
Of something different...
yet its all the same
I try hard to maintain
But hey...even the strongest have a weakness

Mine....me? weakness....?
What's my weakness?
My heart....has to be the only answer
...well the only one I could muster
The beating drum that keeps me alive
Appears to be the cancer....slowly eating at me
I guess heart would be the real life representation
of feeling....so let me not say that much.

But I will say this....
I'm tired of feeling...and then the rationalizing...
And the reminding of whats real & fake that comes with it all
I'd rather say fuck it all
Cuz its easier that way
But of course thats not how this course works
Not tomorrow, not yesterday & not today
My life role is to be the supporter
The shoulder, the crutch, the dick
Whatever makes you feel better
Whatever makes you not feel as sick
When life begins to beat your face in
Call me & I'll stand in your place
Rest while life gets some licks in.


Yes I know I'm not making any sense
But this is just the beginning
To getting my rhythm back
And starting my mental cleanse

....Lawd

Soooo.....the term "shell of myself" is not something I'd like to describe myself as......But it seems like that is the word for me. Plenty of things I could place the blame on but I won't. Times are changing, and as times change, people change. Yet on the contrary, as times change, people do not change. Its kinda up to us to discern what we're noticing and adjust accordingly. Those that do not adjust often find themselves feeling overwhelmed, inadequate....or both. Life can be hella interesting man. Gotta stay woke & make  tough decisions.....