I got goals....nshyt

SO...its something about seeing the things you are actually afraid to accomplish inch closer and closer. Like yeah I know its my blog  and all but I'm still not quite confident enough in my dreams. Needless to say I'm still goin for em. I guess when I start putting things out there, that'll be like my........."Here's what I wanna do with my spare time" announcement lol. I'm lame yes I know. But hell I'm deep down, supa lowkey excited. The ideas, the creativity, the dreams. I'm bursting with emotion and anticipation man. Stay Tuned.


Captain HeartLess

1 Month In The A....

Its been a day or two past the one month date of me arriving in Atlanta, and so far, its quite the adjustment. The city appears dope. I haven't actually gotten around to checking out more of it but that's because its a real big city. Its like every lil section has its own sites & attractions. I try to hit one when I can on the weekends, but its such a small dent. In the mean time I've been focused on work & finding myself an apartment. Hopefully I receive some good news on that search Monday. I'm eager to get life on my own in the A started. Plus it'll allow me some extra sleep time in the morning instead of getting up so early to catch the Xpress bus to the city.

Work is a steady climb as I'm still new to working in an office full of "IT professionals". For the sake of "it doesn't bother me like that", we're gonna avoid talking about the whole "I'm the only black guy in this office" thing. Let's just....not....cool. I do happen to like the lax environment I work in. Dress code is "whatever makes you comfy", I can go to lunch when I please, & I don't have to ask permission for much. As long as I'm making the necessary contributions to the project in a better than timely manner. I appear to be on the right track, although sometimes I feel like the people I work with think I'm not as smart as them. Hard to tell when they don't speak English around you. O well, though. I don't have time for the workplace gossip, tryna get this MONEY!

Football season is approaching & I really wanna do some traveling. See some HBCU games now that I'm in an area that makes SWAC and SIAC games easily affordable and accessible from a travel standpoint. I'll have to balance that with other responsibilities, but hey....I'm me. I can do this.

I think I'm gonna TRY to starting doing some more writing and letting my thoughts out. That'll keep me sane as I continuously try to push myself & others toward greatness.


HeartLess

What I've Learned This Week

....just for kicks....
...here's a quick rundown...
...of what I happened to pick up on...

____________________________________________________


Here we go.....WELL.....

my mental lock has been opened up
and I feel like my writing is back
I like that I'm able to express myself
without opening my mouth to say a word


I'm afraid of the looming changes that are coming
The future is creepy...going on about the future on your own
waaaaaaaay more creepy

Some people will never acknowledge their own wrongs
But will be quick to point yours out
& when theirs are brought to the table
it holds no comparison to how its handled in reverse
*shrugs*....duly noted

I'm just tryna stay above water.
I cried this week...publicly.....
It wasn't liberating...I didn't feel better
It hurt.....real bad....it still hurts
Cried last night....might cry tonight...

Talking to people helps
Just dont know how to do it consistently
So used to being on my own for my own problems
Just used to being the ears for others....
I'll learn one day

Let the countdown begin tho....

......Vent...Purge....Whatever

ok.....
This year is just for me
Just to get some things out cuz see
I dont know what its like to be me
right now...I dont feel whole
I paint on my happy face
When I awake
Becuase I dont know how to deal
I dont know how to acknowledge & assess whats real

So I decided to just use this as my canvas
I dont know how much is gonna spew
Or how organized it'll be.
But I'm just gonna type until I cant.
Dont expect any continuity, rhyme or reason
If you happen to stumble upon this.

*Deep breath*

Who Am I?
When did I become so weak?
Why do I worry so much?


Why wasn't I there for you?
You took a knife & literally carved out my future.
Told me I would never have to deceive anymore
Would never have to thieve anymore
Would never have to grieve anymore
The next day I was in the back of the 12 mobile
...a few months later I landed in the 704
....and I made a change...while knowing cuz of you
I'd forever remain humble, remain changed, remain heartless.
words will never be able to explain my hurt
or my gratitude.....I've had such a change in attitude
and i owe it all to you.....and now you're gone....
What the hell do I do now...
I've tried all my usual coping methods
And all its doing is exposing their massive ineffectiveness
Just feel like.....ehh fuck it.....

Why aren't I good enough for the truth?
The malice & poison you throw at me
Has to burn somewhere In there somewhere
because of the truth that lies out there where the Trojans play
but of course theres no way I'd ever know about it
History repeats itself I guess
& we appear to be two plates
following the tectonic flow of landmasses.

Is running away my best option?
I don't wanna go anywhere
But i feel....stagnant, complacent & useless.
and not to anyone...I mean for myself....
Cuz I put myself in this position
And now I have to pull myself out of myself....

Why...why why why

Sometimes I dont give a fuck
Other days I care too much
and sometimes i'd rather just launch all of my memories
into outer speace....

Miserable right now man....seems that football is my only pick-me-up

Grind for the Shine

.....I have about a month to solidify my grades and ensure that my black ass is gettin up outta here in May. In order for that to happen. I'm gonna have to become a lil mo selfish than the exterior forces probably would prefer.

....Lawd

Soooo.....the term "shell of myself" is not something I'd like to describe myself as......But it seems like that is the word for me. Plenty of things I could place the blame on but I won't. Times are changing, and as times change, people change. Yet on the contrary, as times change, people do not change. Its kinda up to us to discern what we're noticing and adjust accordingly. Those that do not adjust often find themselves feeling overwhelmed, inadequate....or both. Life can be hella interesting man. Gotta stay woke & make  tough decisions.....

#GHOE be here

well America...this is the moment we've seemingly been waiting for. If your liver was well prepared, you have nothing to fear. A&T's Homecoming....

Soooo....Tired.........

Yall.....Mondays & Wednesdays outchea are whoopin my ass. When tears fall when you yawn...you know you're super tired. Im tryna stay woke & get this good ol education. But dammit, a nigga tired. LOL....maybe if I head downstairs I can find me a bag of skittles or sumin. & AWAY WE GOOOOOOOOOO!

My Alarm Clock

Everyone has an alarm clock with some annoying pattern that 90% of the time their body will recognize and will awaken. While I do have that annoying beep pattern to ensure that I am awake, what wakes me up is something totally different. I recently came across a clip of Jackson State University's band playing their "Blowing Fanfare"...the power is so raw, I decided that it would be my alarm. Works like a charm!

 

 I'm such a band geek

It is 1:10PM on this rainy monday...let me say...

TODAY....or ANY DAY for that matter is a great day to be a Giants Fan!!!!!

Real talk though America, enjoy your day.

"Just because it rains, doesn't make it a bad day"

 -- Henry A Funny Sr

New Year, Same Me......with some Modifications

Well, its safe to say we survived another "World Ender" and here we are in 2013. I'll be the first one to say that while 2012 was good, I need life to be 200% smoother round deez parts. So for that, I'll be makin' some modifications to my daily lifestyle. Same good ol asshole guy here, but it'll be what I do in my freetime that will need some tunin'. Utilizin my time alot more wisely.


Here goes nothin'.

Attention Attention.........

I FEEL LIKE SKATING!!!!

Some things just make Home feel more like....Home

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but an apartment is a place you temporarily call home...correct?? And given the fact that this place that I temporarily call home is where I spend 80% of my time, It'd only be right if I make my stay here as comfortable as humanly possible......right??? And with that said....here is my changes to the cribbo....I guess its kinda safe to say I don't really like regular light settings........right?

Blue/Orange light in the main room......

Green light in my room, Red light in ma bathroom

My First NFL Game.....

Never...and mean NEEEEEEVERRRRRR would I ever picture my first NFL game being in some club level seats. And I never would've thought that I'd be going to a game this early in life. But mannnnnnn I am so glad I was able to have the opportunity to come to the Giants/Panthers game yesterday. Like...blessing is an understatement........true loss for words at the experience. From the time I got out the car (major shoutout to Kierra for bringin me to Charlotte from da boro) to when I was boarding the train back to school, I....was.....JACKED UP!!! Big ups to Alston for the hook up with the ticket & hospitality.

I'm saving the actual "Game Review" for later because I feel like it deserves its own post. But here are some of my memories from this glorious W in life & for the W the Giants earned out there.

Another day....Another lesson......

Important lesson folks:.....Your body.......is an evil lil fucker...and will betray your mind EVERY chance it doesn't agree with you. Like no matter what your mind says....your body, which technically is that of a human, which is a mammal, a type of animal, has its own agenda with life. Basic survival functions is all the body knows. And when the body is deprived of some of its natural functions, IE: water, sleep, sex, etc....then it has the ability to overpower the mind to ensure that its survival needs are met. Sounds crazy right?......well...think of it like this....ever wake up in the mornin', get out of bed, turn off your alarm, take one look at your bed....and AUTOMATICALLY hop back in. And then wake up late for class? ...yeaaaa.....body takeover.

More curveballs....sureeeee

Man....life sureeee loves to throw curveballs at ya. And seeing as I was never good at baseball......lets just say I don't know exactly how to swing at em. Normally I wouldn't mind sharin my struggle with you people but until I have a firm understanding as to what the hell i actually did this time....I'll keep my mouth shut.

I'm thankful for my family & friends helpin me out tho.

Young Memories

Throughout my time doin this i will from time to time post an old poem/video of my early college years. When I look at the people I've met or the things I've accomplished & how I've grown.......it makes me smile at it. I've come a long way as a person......


But anyways....today's video comes from a trip to NCCU to pick up some game tickets.....Me, Carl, Joe, Courtland & Shortee {Trinity} were just some aggies up in eagleland. Let me tell ya....when you're in enemy territory...you HAVE to make the most of it......and so Carl & Courtland took a trip into NCCU's cafe....just a very small piece of the ignorance that went on that day.

....hilarious....right?...i know

Post-#DFP5 Life.....

Wow..ummmmm ima save all comments about #DFP5 cuz i actually wanna TRY.....that is the keyword...."try".... to let yall hear my voice on the many ups & few downs for me at the Epicness that was "DrinkFestPart 5". But I will say this....WOOOOOOW!......what an event...what an atmosphere....I'm glad I was able to meet such people that could make something like this happen.

Hopefully I can use the exposure from Drinkfest & other events to further my DJ gigs.....And in case anyone didn't notice.......I DJ prolly 20 times more efficiently when intoxicated....thats right i said it!

Now its time to get back to school....I passed my engineering economy quiz today.......gotta keep my momentum going....alot is riding on this semester but I know I got this.....also it was a real pleasure seeing alot of old friends again this weekend.....

Random Post

I think it'd be easier to start doin video blogs.....but yall know me...well...some of yall know me...but its alot of thoughts in this big head of mine.....we'll see how that goes......

Anyways tho.... #DFP5 is in 2 days......like.....nigga.........................2............DAYS...................im so amped!!!!

Same scenery....yet a new beginning

....Today...i start school.......again......Like...I'm lowkey excited...yet shit.....this is familiar territory...a nigga has been here time & time again. And like most engineers...we're back....again.....This is different for me...I'm older, wiser & alot more determined to make shit happen. My knowledge, musical ability, level of "humbleness", networking skills, have all increased in the time I was out of school. I guess now is the time to put it all together......Maybe have me a girlfriend for once....who knows?



O YEA.......10 DAYS TIL DRINKFEST PART 5!!!!!