Behind.......

It never fails. Another group sets out on their greatest accomplishment to date, and thanks to my late development as a college student, I'm still waiting on my turn. Depressing.

So lets be honest

Let's be honest
Yes. I'm weak
No need to lie about it
I'll fold in the right situation
& im human enough to know it

Let's be honest
The gift I had for poetry
To place my thoughts & dreams on the screen
Transferred through these fingertips
All seem lost....Like it never existed
Somethin like a dream

Let's be honest
my spine hurts
it hurts like shyt
the skin of my back turns red
Because my spine is pressed up against it
Hurts to the point where sometimes I play video games
& tears roll....cuz I hurt like shyt
But I refrain from over complaining...
Cuz theres nothing i'd prefer to do to it

Let's be honest
I hate bougie folk
Not dislike, have a distaste for
I hate bougie folk
your constant disdain
for the things I refuse to take for granted
Things others worked hard to ensure i received
honestly...just makes me believe
You need a boot up your ass.....

Let's be honest
If I had a choice
Between light or dark
I'd choose the latter.
& walk away from it showing all kinds of snark
People fear the dark
Wish it, Leave it, Shun it away...
I like its mystery, welcome it each day
At one point in my life
im became enshrouded in it
& to tell the truth....since im being honest
If you let me....I'll pull you in it......

Twisted

A small purge from my mind....

If you all don't mind....

Stay on that straight and narrow

Never bending

Never falter

Walking the path onto the cosine of zero

And I must play that part

Because you never know who's watching

And you never wanna seem weak

To those who hold you high

So I sit, grin & bare it all

One single tear I cry

..i wipe that bitch away

for the weaknesses that make me human

like the rest of you

isn't allowed

it is only perfection

or defection in your world

and even if i quit, you'll never let me go

I'll dress as the white knight

when inside nothing more than a black mage

The armor you place on me

Weighs about 100 times my age.

But what am I to do

When I carry the world for you

When I place it all on my shoulders

Because I know not what else to do

People think my life is easy

Im sure you all could be me

& I'd gladly tell you I wouldn't trade my life for another

Cuz I am strong enough to shoulder 

this heavy damn load that tries to make my legs give way

Leave me be & let me enjoy my last minutes

Because my time is ticking....can't you hear it bending

kinda sounds like the sands in an hour glass

...i guess im running out of time

every second of everyday

I can feel the twisting of this soul of mine 

Bent out of place....

....pretty much like my spine

The code

A code of honor
A way of life
A deafening silence
A quiet thunderstorm


I can still remember clearly
Days when I moved in the shadows freely
Senses heightened
I traversed stealthy.

Now I've lost my touch
They'd say I've gotten lazy
.shiiiiiiiiid
I'd prolly have to agree

Times have changed
Rules have evolved
& If you can't adapt
then your name gets called

Where does that leave me?
Standing on the inside
Wondering.....
Do I Continue to live the lazy life?
or grind toward what made me great.. ?

I've become weak,
I've become soft,
I know these things
because I haven't destroyed you all.

But if I do return
To the form I once held
Make zero mistake about it
It will be bloody, bruised & ready to raise hell......

Maybe....

Maybe its because I don't understand the word selfish
Maybe I've built myself upon being more selfless
Maybe its that small principle that has allowed
My humanity to become split
into pieces amongst the crowd.

Grind for the Shine

.....I have about a month to solidify my grades and ensure that my black ass is gettin up outta here in May. In order for that to happen. I'm gonna have to become a lil mo selfish than the exterior forces probably would prefer.

Just Breathe

Inhale
Take in the essentials
Enhancing the physical
Strengthening the mental
Its a process
That we all go through
When the sick world we live in
Makes ya gasp for the O2
& You wonder who you should go to
.....Just Breathe....

Exhale
Out goes the stress
The setbacks
The thoughts that take away from our more
Leaving us with less.
Cuz its just a process
That we all go through
When we're tryna be great
In all that we do
But the way life is set up
Makes you have to increase your efforts by 2...
....and another 2.....
....and another 2.....
Release the CO2
& Just Breathe.......

I'm just babblin on....

If I said my life is perfect I'd be lyin my ass off
But if I said my life was the pits......I'd be lyin my ass off
My life is a unique conundrum that has yet to be upfolded
Call it the beauty of a story untold

Shyt....with the millions of questions, decisions, & options
bouncing around en mi cabeza
Its not surprising to me that
I keep myself so grounded
In the face all thats goin around
The earth's gravitational constant
has got to be flawed
cuz i swear it takes more than 9.8 meters per second squared
To keep me where I am.

I struggle with reality
Cuz I'm steady dreaming of how I want things to be
Shyt I like my daydreams and premonitions
But lately its been of bombs, wreckage & demolition
I need to get ma head together and complete my mission
before nothings left but dust & rubble...

Here i go babblin on
Just tryna find a spot on this earth where I belong
so far.....so good?...i think?
I guess?....i dont fuckin know....

Mis ojos

.....Mis ojos are a gift
.....Mis ojos are a curse
.....Mis ojos allow me to see beyond the earth

The average human sees everything
But only has the ability to "notice" a small amount of the
Things that their eyes pick up.
Ya know?...like....notice...focus on....yea....now you're gettin it.

Well, knowing this small tidbit of information
I wanted to continue to live as I was.
Just bein me. But with this fact in mind,
I found it hard to find,
The blindness my eyes had.

I wanted to learn, watch, look.
The small, the simple, the complex
The insignificant things that make you....be.....you.

Do I feel wrong for ocularly prying? Nah
Do I feel like I learned something? ....it depends

Upon further analysis and thinking upon past mistakes
I've learned that people will often allow you to think
you're sniffing the right path
Only to be running away down the other
Using your "wanting to be right"
To keep you under lamplight
When the sunlight is def in the other direction.

I often wonder what I have done
Where I'm going
Who will stand with me...

I know the answer to none of these questions.....
Cuz mis ojos will lie to me
Everything you see.....and notice.....
.....ain't the light mayne....

....Lawd

Soooo.....the term "shell of myself" is not something I'd like to describe myself as......But it seems like that is the word for me. Plenty of things I could place the blame on but I won't. Times are changing, and as times change, people change. Yet on the contrary, as times change, people do not change. Its kinda up to us to discern what we're noticing and adjust accordingly. Those that do not adjust often find themselves feeling overwhelmed, inadequate....or both. Life can be hella interesting man. Gotta stay woke & make  tough decisions.....

#GHOE is.....

The weekend is pretty much here. Class attendance have all dwindled down to only the most "diligent" of  students. The out of towners (shoobs) and locals (......locals) are slowly matriculating their way to campus. Yes #GHOE is here...it was already here....but its really...HERE.....for those who have been already baptised in the #GHOE light, been to the #GHOE altar to celebrate with thousands of aggie undergrad, alumni, greeks & friends, enjoyed the parade, parties & FOOOOD. This is NOT for you. This is for the "others" out here not tryna enjoy the entity that is #GHOE. We all know what #GHOE is.....

#GHOE is NOT:

• For the "wait & see" people - Those people that always gotta ask "Who's there?" or "Who's goin" or "Is it jumpin"....you #NCAT/#GHOE question askers.....
• For the non-twerkers - Wall holdin', phone holdin', space takin', men & women. You may stay in your room & observe via twitter, instagram & vine. Thanks in advance.
• For the non-improvers - Those people that come to #GHOE with a plan & then when the plan goes sour or some shyt flips in half a second. They panic, get frustrated , & give up. Naw....this definitely ain't for you. Cuz some shyt will likely ALWAYS go crazy down here. You gotta be flexible as hell to make your week/weekend run smooth as possible without it bein smooth. Cuz #GHOE can get rough.
• The home boosters - Those that boost the living fuck outta their friends from their hometown, then they get here & tap out first....I mean.....tap all the way out.....just.....disgustingly, embarrassingly tapout. Leave them back where you left them.

#GHOE is what you make it. The people described above will not guarantee you the best #GHOE experience. Betta leave em in the dust.

#GHOE be here

well America...this is the moment we've seemingly been waiting for. If your liver was well prepared, you have nothing to fear. A&T's Homecoming....

Soooo....Tired.........

Yall.....Mondays & Wednesdays outchea are whoopin my ass. When tears fall when you yawn...you know you're super tired. Im tryna stay woke & get this good ol education. But dammit, a nigga tired. LOL....maybe if I head downstairs I can find me a bag of skittles or sumin. & AWAY WE GOOOOOOOOOO!

New Rules......HA!

One of the new phrases round these parts is "New Rules"...I've seen it on twitter, facebook, party advertisements, the works.....and its annoying the shit outta me already. So what do I do when something annoys the shyt outta me...make a video about it. Just gettin my thoughts up off my chest & out my head.

 

5 way tug of war

There is a long fine polished table in my mind Where the cobwebs are many Because very few ever find This place where they gather Gather to ponder Gather to seek Seek the answers to questions unknown Sort out the strong from the weak My body flies through the matrix As if on autopilot Because during the trials of the gathering I am entangled with myself trying to fight for it. I am but an obstacle built within an obstacle A conundrum, a contraption A perfectly imperfect depiction Of a 5 way tug of war The pentagon of me's are coming And I cannot hide The keys to the door Where my biggest issues reside. Once the seats are the table are filled The battle will begin Many...unfortunately Shall be killed Casualties of the changes at hand Because one of the five Will soon take command

My Game 7 Prediction

Heartless/Nobody Part 1 (02/22/08)

Some of you are wondering

Y i call myself Heartless

some of you ask me why

some of you could care less

I've told few the story

But as it won't let me sleep

I think itz only right

That i let chu kno the tale

That my rotten heart keepz.

Heartless

There are times in ones life

Wen the world in which we know

Erodes in our face

And we are left

With no where to go

7th grade was the time

Up until this point

Life, i guess, was pretty fine

But that all changed

wen he left from my home

It seems dat after that day

All that resided in me was skin nd bone

I shunned the world

Became a bookworm

All A'z was tha game

But dat was just middle school

Tha time wen tha rest of my peers were starting to act a fool

But me...nawwwwwwwwww

Just wasnt my thing

Nver did i go out

never did my phone ring

Dark times call for dark thingz

Nd dark thingz came to me

Ma dark nature

Allowed me to see

I saw their ghastly figures

A faint glow they did have

I'm talking about dead people

If u must ask

At Last!

I had friends

They talked

I listened

Nd it worked vice versa

They told me of how my heart

Or lack of i should say

Called out to them

Each and everyday

Da conversations, interesting

yet i kept that to myself

Didnt wanna be checked into tha psycho ward

At least not yet

But to conclude

That dark half of me feels more alive

The past few weekz have made him harder to hide

Im older, mentally stronger now

But im becoming gradually anti-social again

Nd yes...i kno i have friends

But wen u feel that tha entire world has turned its bak on u

It creates tha empty black hole that doesnt consume u

It changes u

Into that empty shell

Tha shell that plauged my past

Tha past that shaped tha boi b4 u now

Tha boi that does all that he can

To see that the feeling of joy never leaves him again

I Neva Forget (2/19/08)

Woman in these troublesome days of mine

Somewhere in the middle/back side of my mind

I neva 4got wat we had

Nd i hate tha fact dat i made u mad

But it still standz that we both still care

Nd if u call trust ill b there

Nd if sum1 lay a hand on ya

U already kno tha handz will b there

Ur growin up nd im glad to see that

But hopefully not too fast

Cuz we've see wat happens to those who act too grown

Their name is lost to tha streets

Never to be owned

By tha owner again

But chu

U got that light

Nd i pray not for my sake

Dat ur next man treats u rite

Cuz u kno me

I lovez to fight

Nd if u must kno,

i dont have a whole flock of groupies here at school

Mah greatest but groupies...dat just causes issues

B cool

I'll see u one of these dayz

Nd u betta make me dinner wen i come say hey

wHAT dOES iT mEAN?? (02/19/08)

They say life is what chu make it 

So wat is it wen u hate it?

Wen the fantasy that brings joy to ur soul

Disappears and leaves u bak at tha black hole

Where u 1st started

U try and tell urself

Wait it out and be strong

But the person inside doesnt wanna be calm

It wants to rid itself of the taste in its mouth

Tha taste of agony,

the smell of defeat

It wants to wash to dirt of tha world off its feet

But What does that reveal?

Bucz some see dirt as something to hide

But in reality, mayb dirt is something used to hide

DIrt covers of what we actually feel inside

DirT protects us from tha truth

So I wonder how many how of you reading this 

Are asking yourself this:

Y do I do the things I do?

Mayb its habit

Mayb its tha desire to not be alone

Me, its the strong hate

Of what calls my heart its home

There are some things

Which some are not supposed 2 see

Some thingz that lay inside of me

Nd i kno im not alone

So mayb i cant condone

The thingz i see nd do

But that wat makez me different from u

I've done a good thing making my light shine

But due to recent actions

This little light of mine

Doesnt wanna shine

Is It wrong

To embrace the darkness

That callz my heart its home

Tha dark part of my past

Came bak 4 me 

Wen i was knocked on my ass

For those who worry of my well-being

Worry not, u will not see the change

Just kno that there are two entities

That inhabit my brain

------"Heartless"

Old Poetry - My Appreciation (2/11/08)

My Appreciation

Ive come a long way

Some say i shouldnt have lived to see this day

Nd im not gon lie...

They're prolly rite

Cuz i kno where im supposed 2 b 2nite

Dining with tha demons

Or hangin' in tha heavens

With tha figures of my uncertain past

Nd those who met an untimely future

But seeing as im here where i am now

I dont kno when nd i dont kno how

But all i kno now

is credit must be given

to those who helped me in mah life of sin

My appreciation goes to those who havent quit on me

Those who havent quit on themselves

I appreciate all my friends that r aggies nd r bellez

Yall r da shyt....point blank

I APPRECIATE:

skittles cuz they bring out tha real me

food cuz i love to eat

Goldie, cuz dat gurl is just 2 sweet

All da gurlz hittin da gym up on da regular, GET IT TIGHT

I see yall workin hard so keep it TIGHT

All da gurlz dat kno they are fine just tha way they are

Keep doin wat chu do

Cuz da realest will love ya 4 who u r

Da Maniacs for givin' me sumwhere to legally act like a "bonified negro!"

Outside of tha gym, only a few kno how dat goes

Mass appreciation goes to ma fam

4 keepin me afloat

Not just da immediates but the whole Funny Fam

dey always let me kno dat i can

To those here @ school:

that kno wat comes 1st

To those dat look after me

Wen life is wat hurtz me tha most

My Alarm Clock

Everyone has an alarm clock with some annoying pattern that 90% of the time their body will recognize and will awaken. While I do have that annoying beep pattern to ensure that I am awake, what wakes me up is something totally different. I recently came across a clip of Jackson State University's band playing their "Blowing Fanfare"...the power is so raw, I decided that it would be my alarm. Works like a charm!

 

 I'm such a band geek

Mistakes

Mistakes, we all make em, but I often wonder when do you actually have a chance to correct the mistakes that will forever change the course of life you're on. Like...how often do you replay the nightmares of bad days in your head wondering when you'll have another crack at it. People make second chances seem like they'll always come around, when in reality, they are few & far in between. We lose when we dwell on the past, the only way to correct our mistakes & shortcomings is to learn from them & apply in similar situations. Its similar because the variables will change the next time you are faced with a difficult decision. Its up to  you to be ready......



HeartLess.....

Old Poetry - "Sad" (02.11.08)

Sittin in Class

Tryin 2 Relax

Nd focus on reasoning

But I was really focusing on last evening

Nd tha chat that took place on tha inside

See it was 4AM

Nd da conference room was open

Man ma brain was smokin'

Tha topic for discussion

Was ma role in the world

Nd how I was not supposed 2 make it

Ya see Henry kept me afloat

Nd AJ dragged me under

So I was pretty level headed

About ma place in dis cold world

Nd tha barz dat Im supposed 2 b behind

Ya see, Henry was mad

AJ was silent

cuz they tried to lock me down

Over a change of random acts of violence

Dat left a scar on ma chest

nd a bullet in ma soul

Permanently a mark of tha day i picked maself up out this hole

Still mad they tried to lock me down

Over a case of random acts of violence

Why??? Cuz ma skin tone was brown

College bookz in ma bag

Datz a cover up he said

Say wat??? I Said

I prolly stole those bookz he said

Nd if I keep going down this road

I'll end up dead

That is wat tha black cop that stopped me said

It seems to be

Or well, it seems to me

that they want me to be a product

of my society

The society that we made for ourselves

We seem to get poorer as the rich increase their own wealth

But we are stuck

Stuck where the longer you live

The closer you get to death

Life is funy

Cuz some defied the odds

Came up out tha hood

We mde it this far

I give big upz to those

Who aint changed a bit

Still goin' to class

and handlin' they shit

Cuz see I could go on & on

About the "man" & the "system"

But what more can be said

Cuz we're ahead of the game 

So we gotta make a name 

For OURSELVES

naw bruh...not just for ourselves

but for tha young onez too

Old Poetry - When Analytical Reasoning Gets Boring (1.13.08)

Sittin in Class

Tryin 2 Relax

Nd focus on reasoning

But I was really focusing on last evening

Nd tha chat that took place on tha inside

See it was 4AM

Nd da conference room was open

Man ma brain was smokin'

Tha topic for discussion

Was ma role in the world

Nd how I was not supposed 2 make it

Ya see Henry kept me afloat

Nd AJ dragged me under

So I was pretty level headed

About ma place in dis cold world

Nd tha barz dat Im supposed 2 b behind

Ya see, Henry was mad

AJ was silent

cuz they tried to lock me down

Over a change of random acts of violence

Dat left a scar on ma chest

nd a bullet in ma soul

Permanently a mark of tha day i picked maself up out this hole

Still mad they tried to lock me down

Over a case of random acts of violence

Why??? Cuz ma skin tone was brown

College bookz in ma bag

Datz a cover up he said

Say wat??? I Said

I prolly stole those bookz he said

Nd if I keep going down this road

I'll end up dead

That is wat tha black cop that stopped me said

It seems to be

Or well, it seems to me

that they want me to be a product

of my society

The society that we made for ourselves

We seem to get poorer as the rich increase their own wealth

But we are stuck

Stuck where the longer you live

The closer you get to death

Life is funy

Cuz some defied the odds

Came up out tha hood

We mde it this far

I give big upz to those

Who aint changed a bit

Still goin' to class

and handlin' they shit

Cuz see I could go on & on

About the "man" & the "system"

But what more can be said

Cuz we're ahead of the game 

So we gotta make a name 

For OURSELVES

naw bruh...not just for ourselves

but for tha young onez too