1 Month In The A....

Its been a day or two past the one month date of me arriving in Atlanta, and so far, its quite the adjustment. The city appears dope. I haven't actually gotten around to checking out more of it but that's because its a real big city. Its like every lil section has its own sites & attractions. I try to hit one when I can on the weekends, but its such a small dent. In the mean time I've been focused on work & finding myself an apartment. Hopefully I receive some good news on that search Monday. I'm eager to get life on my own in the A started. Plus it'll allow me some extra sleep time in the morning instead of getting up so early to catch the Xpress bus to the city.

Work is a steady climb as I'm still new to working in an office full of "IT professionals". For the sake of "it doesn't bother me like that", we're gonna avoid talking about the whole "I'm the only black guy in this office" thing. Let's just....not....cool. I do happen to like the lax environment I work in. Dress code is "whatever makes you comfy", I can go to lunch when I please, & I don't have to ask permission for much. As long as I'm making the necessary contributions to the project in a better than timely manner. I appear to be on the right track, although sometimes I feel like the people I work with think I'm not as smart as them. Hard to tell when they don't speak English around you. O well, though. I don't have time for the workplace gossip, tryna get this MONEY!

Football season is approaching & I really wanna do some traveling. See some HBCU games now that I'm in an area that makes SWAC and SIAC games easily affordable and accessible from a travel standpoint. I'll have to balance that with other responsibilities, but hey....I'm me. I can do this.

I think I'm gonna TRY to starting doing some more writing and letting my thoughts out. That'll keep me sane as I continuously try to push myself & others toward greatness.


HeartLess

Pregunta..........

Why is the world so big?

Why can't I save everyone on it?

Why do important people materialize in your life out of the blue?

Why do people only want to be the only one to matter to you?

Is that right?

Is that selfish?

Is that life?

Is that what this is?

I wanna save the world

One issue at a time

Prevent every tear from hitting the ground

But Sadly suffering is apart of the game

And the struggle is everlasting

The pressure will forever mount

But with the pressure will come diamonds.....

......You  must not break

You may bend

You may fold

But be sure to uncrinkle

iron yourself out

Get ya mind right

And bounce back

I never wanted to be superman,

But my mind calls to my cape

I think about the good things I wanna do for people

Think about it under the stars each & every day

Cuz there are good people out there

I know so many

Just waiting for their big break...................Like I Was

.........and still am....

Just wish I had the right words

the right push

the power to fix it all

To grant everyone one wish

But unfortunately I'm merely human

And my reach is only so far

I'll continue to be a beacon of light (& dark)

& try to make everyday count....

but to answer the question......

......No tengo las repuestas a las preguntas

DORMIR???? QUE ES???? (May 12, 2009 at 6:03am)

 Layin on the carpet
Thinkin about why i cant sleep
Random thoughts and memories
Speed thru my mind doin one fifty
My past...
Thoughts of not belongin
My present
Thoughts of wantin..
My future
Thoughts of.......
Blank.....
I got nothin
And so i wonder
wats in store for me
as each day rolls by
health deteriorates 
and i hate
that one day i must leave behind all that i did
but to just roll over and take it
is just not my style
and with that being said
i'll say wat jeezy said
"Run the streets all day, i can sleep wen i die"
If the heavens are callin
then ummmm...im not respondin
I've done so much
Nd i haven't scraped the surface
I'm on the grind for the shine
Cuz i know my purpose
........Or do I
20yrs down
Who knows how many more i have to go
But in the end I just want them all to know
Whatz itz like to experience ma happy
Ma happy is wen u can look at urself
not care wat the world thinks
nd keep it movin
Ma happy is wen u can say wat u want
Nd know that you'll b understood fully
no matter wat u say or how u say it
Ma happy is just simply....Ma happy

Layin on the carpet
Thinkin about the simple fact that
I cant sleep is that maybe 
....Just Maybe......I'm not meant to
....Just Maybe......I'm meant to be awake
Maybe i'm meant to be here
maybe i'm meant to mean something to someone
with that lodged in my brain
im sayin this now
no way im quittin life
no way no how
i've done much
i've learned alot
i've met plenty of people
but am i done???
me thinkz not!
im the meaning of get crunk musik
im the embodiment of hope
im the carrier of dreams
from myself to my forefathers
nd i dare someone to prove me otherwise
the world is plastic
....fake
....itz hard to figure out who's wearin a disguise
but time heals ALL scars
nd it also reveals all secrets
so wen i say im pullin off all of life's bars
just kno i mean nothin will stop me from livin
just kno im gonna keep on givin
im on a search for the real
on a search for a chance
a simple chance
.......to live

So sleep...wat is that
I work 24/7
on a strive for perfection

AYYYYYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
FUCK WIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Sleep is for those who are ready 2 die......nd im clearly awake....~HeaRTleSS~

Layin on the carpet

Thinkin about why i cant sleep

Random thoughts and memories

Speed thru my mind doin one fifty

My past...

Thoughts of not belongin

My present

Thoughts of wantin..

My future

Thoughts of.......

Blank.....

I got nothin

And so i wonder

wats in store for me

as each day rolls by

health deteriorates 

and i hate

that one day i must leave behind all that i did

but to just roll over and take it

is just not my style

and with that being said

i'll say wat jeezy said

"Run the streets all day, i can sleep wen i die"

If the heavens are callin

then ummmm...im not respondin

I've done so much

Nd i haven't scraped the surface

I'm on the grind for the shine

Cuz i know my purpose

........Or do I

20yrs down

Who knows how many more i have to go

But in the end I just want them all to know

Whatz itz like to experience ma happy

Ma happy is wen u can look at urself

not care wat the world thinks

nd keep it movin

Ma happy is wen u can say wat u want

Nd know that you'll b understood fully

no matter wat u say or how u say it

Ma happy is just simply....Ma happy

Layin on the carpet

Thinkin about the simple fact that

I cant sleep is that maybe 

....Just Maybe......I'm not meant to

....Just Maybe......I'm meant to be awake

Maybe i'm meant to be here

maybe i'm meant to mean something to someone

with that lodged in my brain

im sayin this now

no way im quittin life

no way no how

i've done much

i've learned alot

i've met plenty of people

but am i done???

me thinkz not!

im the meaning of get crunk musik

im the embodiment of hope

im the carrier of dreams

from myself to my forefathers

nd i dare someone to prove me otherwise

the world is plastic

....fake

....itz hard to figure out who's wearin a disguise

but time heals ALL scars

nd it also reveals all secrets

so wen i say im pullin off all of life's bars

just kno i mean nothin will stop me from livin

just kno im gonna keep on givin

im on a search for the real

on a search for a chance

a simple chance

.......to live

So sleep...wat is that

I work 24/7

on a strive for perfection

AYYYYYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

FUCK WIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sleep is for those who are ready 2 die......nd im clearly awake....~HeaRTleSS~

3/25 - 3:51AM - Sheesh

My bday Is coming up & once again I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! I mean, I wish I was still in school for times like this. It was sooooo much easier to hit up the team & say, well...I know what I wanna do. Grab the bottles & lets all get plastered with the womenfolk. Now that I'm back in Charlotte, I don't really have a "go to squad" anymore so it feels like I'm always ridin solo. Eh, idk I guess I'll figure something out & turn up with it. Sometimes you just gotta make the best of a situation and take it to the max ya know!?


ALSO: I'm frantically searching for a new look for the blog...so it make look different until I find what I'm looking for.....and I have no clue what that is or will be....see a recurring theme with me..smh

3/23 - 5:53AM - Lets Begin

I think this is gonna be the start of a very busy week for me. I'm not sure exactly how I'm gonna tackle some of the tasks I have laid out before me. But I know I've got to put forth a positive damn attitude in order to expect some positive damn results. Even in life's biggest obstacles that fill you with the greatest amount of uncertainty, you must approach every obstacle like you're really about to beat its ass. Mind Over Matter.

So here's a good luck to you as you prepare for the week ahead.

3/21 - 3:14AM - Opinions Are Truly Like Assholes

So...we've all heard the saying, "Opinions are like assholes.....everyone has one", right? Well if you haven't before just then......shut up and pretend you've heard it before, cool? .....

Well, for this lil piece tonight, I shall refer to the opinions of people as....that's right, you guessed it, assholes.

Well let me say for starters, I acknowledge that everyone has assholes & while your asshole might be similar to his asshole or her asshole, I personally believe that no two assholes are the same. I know you're feelin' like .....

...and that's fair because guess what? That's MY ASSHOLE lol. Iight I'm havin' too much fun with this. Not gonna stop though so let's continue. I feel this way because your life experiences and influences will greatly influence & shape your asshole. It's very easy to relate to other's life stories and you can also easily take on their asshole because it resonates with your asshole. 

There are many influences that will mold your asshole. Friends will gather round and tell stories about what's goin on in the latest gossip. Social media will greatly impact your asshole & lets not forget reality tv. Just some of the many asshole shapers and molders out here. Are those changing your asshole? For the better or worse? Nothing is wrong is an evolving asshole, remember that. But make sure your asshole remains your asshole.

I shall write more on assholes later. I'm not sure where the direction of this asshole conversation was going....I just like rambling about things sometime.

To Be Continued......

3/18 - 3:39AM - A good Step

Mood: "N.E.R.D. - Breakout"

Career fair in the morning. Nervous jitters inside because I honestly don't excel to selling myself to people that already "are" where I want to be. Bleh... I guess my confidence in my abilities is not to where its like "I'm the shit & you need to recognize that shit" yet. That's the goal. Of course, in a subtle yet effective way. But yea, I want to one day be able to eloquently show my stuff in an interview, face-to-face setting. But I suppose you can't get to that level without that type of "gameday experience". So I'm gonna rest, eat well & walk into the building like I have something to prove. Hell who knows, might find someone that wants to get me out of Charlotte & pay me. Or at least give me some pointers on how to get myself out of Charlotte to someone that will pay me. Either way, I just want to be compensated for doing something I like to do.

......doing something I like to do. That seems to be my real issue. I like to do alot. I feel I'm well rounded. Which is the issue. I'm good at a lot of things, but I haven't found that niche, that "thing", that area where I'm just knockout GREAT at. I'm learning in my IT GroupMe that it's very important that you find your "thing" to excel at & be great with it. Become an expert, a specialist and be recognized for it so that you can control negotiations for  the demands you seek. That's what I want. That's where I want to be. That's my focus.

3/17 - 3:30AM - Some Real Words

I remember being in GroupMe a few days ago & lookin around at all the positive moves the people in the group was making. At times I get around people that are makin' serious moves and I get a lil discouraged. I mean like, where's my moves? Where's my breakthroughs? Where're my lil triumphs? Its rather tough....naw its really tough. Because I know I'm good enough to be makin these moves too. I can be great too...I mean....Why Not Me...lol

And then I was told "Just strive to be better than you were yesterday". And I began to calm down. I really took that statement to heart. Like, success can take a long time to develop. And I have to learn that this shyt is literally baby steps man. As long as I can utilize my time wisely and make the most of 24 hours, I should be ok. Its not all going to come together overnight & in the same breath, it won't all come apart either. Life is uncertainty, faith, chances, success, failures and everything in between. I'll take them all on one day at a time.

3/16 - 3:28AM - Man What!?

"What?" So many possible questions could stem from that one word. And for every question that is created, I don't really seem to to have a way to find the answers. That shit is frustrating. Like, why are the answers to life's questions always a novel full of mystery? But then again, I suppose if we had all the answers, life would be as interesting....would it? Hell naw....I can tell now it wouldn't.


PS: Let March Madness begin. I'll spend my Monday taking care of stuff for the career fair & filling out brackets lol.

3/13 - Realizations - 2:26AM

So I got hit in the head with some realness today. And it made me realize that I'm not fully taking advantage of some possible opportunities laid out in front of me. I need to do better. I can do better & I will do better. 

In other news I bought myself a dry-erase weekly calendar. It's proving to already be an effective investment as I feel more and more organized the more I use it. Perhaps I'll keep some diet/hygiene tips on there as well. Lord knows I could really stand for my health to be loads better than it is now. Some days I feel as if my body is going to fall apart while other days I don't notice a thing. A little hard-nosed discipline will go a long way.

I'm also realizing that making it to my dream is gonna take some time. I have much to learn and plenty of ground to make up from my slacking days. Its been caught to me and now I'm ready to catch up my damn self. I'm just ready to make moves and it leaves me feeling as if I'm running in quicksand sometimes. One day & one chapter at a time & I'll be on my way up soon enough. 

3/12 - Music - 4:21AM

Music....man I am music....music music music. Music gets me through my failures, my triumphs, ups, downs, lefts, northeasts & southwests. Like for every life moment or emotion. There is a song...for real though. It's amazing how music and affect & amplify emotions. I don't know where I'm supposed to be going with this. I just felt like saying I love music man. Maybe I'll expand on how music saved me....ehhh....maybe not. lol Idk man

3/7 1:42AM I Love The Game.....

Have you ever asked yourself, "What do you love....and why?" Like seriously, have you ever asked yourself why you like the things that you do? Some answers will be deeper than others. Some are hard to explain......one thing I love....the game.....I'll expand on this one night when I'm not feelin heavily buzzed......chea

3/6 3:30AM --- Hi There

Well, another night, wide the hell awoke. I try my best to be production in these early morning hours to make up for the sleep I know I'm eventually gonna get in a few hours. I find its easier to focus. There are less distractions while the rest of the world is catching Z's. At times I do wish I had someone to carry conversation while I check things off of my to-do list at night. But the normal folk & 9-5'ers must get their rest so I gut it out on my own. I guess I could do at least one entry a day. Yea....i'll give that a shot during March. Even if its just one sentence, I'm gonna try and log-in & spill some of my brain on to this here screen. I think it'll be a good stress reliever. Chea. You'll find these entries in the "My Thoughts" section I suppose.

Can I Be Random

Uhhhh so
Im pretty sure
I have no direction
Or any type of connection
of my thoughts
....meh....at least not at this moment

I have no idea....
This could evolve into something of a masterpiece
Or it could dissolve into just a waste of time for me
Who the hell knows......
Who the hell cares......
Let's See

My mind
A lil bit more complex than the rubiks
A dodecahedron of thoughts
Trying to stay focused
Moving forward
Without tripping up
Knowing good & well that stumbling is all apart of the growth process
The growth process is trash lol
No really...its trash

We all wanna be at the end
Already at point Z
Living like we done been left A
& too the vowel shortcut
over the consonant bull
....well.....I...just like tons of other folk
realizing....this shyt takes time
...and o fuck...look at the time
not only have i run out of steam
my watch is telling me....ive run out of rhymes....

OOOPZ

Keep It Real Tho......

First of all 'merica
Let me say, I'm human
I see, I think, I feel
So in no way shape or form
WIll you find me  apologizing
For the components of life that make me real...

BUT what defines real
or maybe "real" or real?
Fuck if I know
Those definitions that you require
to make you feel better about certain situations
going on in your life make me no mind
Of course I'm lying
Of course it makes me some mind
Or made

Life has an awesome timing system
To let you know when you are no longer needed
In the lives of your peers

Sometimes we fail the mission
to shut up & get missin
because your variable
is not a necessity to the equation
And now that its taken you some
time to define the sum
of the individuals that still think of you as an ally
and at times its staggering
that you cant make it to your toes on the amount of folk you can turn to

Let me slow the train down
Because even that number is a misconception
A misdirection
to the end goal of fuqwitables

The number of people you can count on
Will always be larger than the number of people
That you will feel comfortable turning to
When you get pressed up against that wall

So coming full circle
On the subject of "real"
I dont need your explanation
or your reasoning
Dont need ya side eyes
Or "see that's why"'s

All I need is you to come clean
And simply face the jury of my court
And read....

"You belong on the other side of the greater than sign
When I say the "People You Can count On < People You Can Turn To"

Tatted Up Pt 2 (April 23, 2009 at 5:54am)

That night
I didn't kno if it was a dream or a vision
but i saw i collection of things flash one by one
Yin
Yang
The moon
Sunset
Random objects came and went
As i tossed and turned in my sleep
Waking up from time to time
Just to cry my sorry ass back to sleep

The next morning 
I awoke to a terrible pain
I didnt kno wat to do
Thinkin of wat would happen in my head
So I made up a lie and told my parents i fell off the bunk bed
I felt different in the inside
Like a new person
Just in the same lame body
Of course after someone getz knocked out
within a week the whole school knows
So answering questions continued and slowly got old

Time passed but i never forgot that day
Cuz that was the day that changed my thought pattern
Seeing the true nature of my "people" changed how i thought
It changed how i saw people
It changed how i saw myself
The world was no longer the same
I felt free...no longer stuck to play their game
It wasn't hate that i was feelin 
But it was just different
I could see all that they did
Nd i could free myself from it
I stopped tryin to be like them
I stopped tryin to talk as they did
I stopped tryin to act as they did
Henry wasnt dead
but i pushed his ass to the side
i became super vulgar
super smarter
super wiser
I became AJ FUnny
No More....No Less

Charlotte, NC
perfect time to start over
nd wat better place to do it
than in West Meck High school
aka...the jail cell
Wonderful results
as bein myself brought the right people in my circle
i slowly accelerated my pace in the learning process
girls, friends...it kept comin
but one thing i had to remember
stay humble
Those that got the "big head" 
didnt seem to make it far
nd seeing that i wanted alot more than
the money, clothes & cars
i was gonna have to keep a low profile
and an open mind
cuz those that get the tunnel vision
often dont see the bullet coming from the side

NC A&T soon became my home
it was not until this time that i fully understood
that It took four years to realize
That another being resided in my mind
based on the "evil" so to speak that was created from that fateful day
He was here to say wat needed to be said
He was here to do wat needed to be done
He was here to make sure
watever battle i got into
that shyt was gonna be won

He'll never leave
Bcuz i won't let him
He'll never forsake me
For I am him
Therefore I am We
Nd of course...
We is Me....

You can call me AJ

But i'll call me

~HeaRTleSS~

Tatted Up (April 23, 2009 at 5:54am)

Lookin at the new ink on my arm
A million thoughts rushed through my head
Would my friends ask me the purpose behind the symbol
Would i be forever tainted as a "Heartless" individual

The answer is....yes
Cuz its all true but to a certain extent
Those who think they should kno.........will kno
Sit back, relax, and once more here the story
of how this symbol on my arm came to be

Nerd, loser, lame, bitch nigga
Some of the terms that arrived in my ear canal
wen i remember times back in VA Beach
it seemed i was takin baby steps in social life
makin strides in academics
everyone knowz that makez a giant target sign
all on your neck
words, paper balls, pencils
damn even basketballs were the shots fired at ma black ass
everyday i counted down til 2 o clock hit
so i could get thru all da bullshyt
so all through middle & part of high school
i was the definite polar opposite of the word cool

But it would be one particular event
which would begin the mental split
which would begin the half that didnt give two shyts
which would spark the birth of the "HeartLess"
Playin basketball around the way
Somehow i knew i just wasnt my day
Not only was i missin shots
but the area bully was at the court
somehow i just knew i was gonna get clocked
sho nuff a game of slap boxing 
turned ugly nd there i stood
facing tha diesel azz bully....
sad thing is i wasnt facing him 
wen he decided it was time
to put me in line
details of the next few seconds are still a blur to my mind
bcuz i was TOLD that he came from the side
connected wit a powerful hook to the face
hit so hard it could erase my memories of wat happened
........as a matter of fact...it did...

Seconds later i woke up to a roar of laughter
The few that i didnt really consider friends
but i dealt wit them on a daily basis
were doubled over,
stomach split in two
I had no clue wat to do...
So with my brother at my side
I took the walk of shame
Back down to MacQueen Drive
Terrible pain in my mouth
Anger built in my soul
Nd i went to sleep...
deep inside...bore a hole..............

Ladies Of Time (April 23, 2009 at 4:22am)

Sweet memories
Memories of Life'z Past
Past was the lady that I left behind
I left her behind bcuz dat chick Future was showin me more action
So taking an unsure thing that was full of uncertainty
Future would always have me thinkin one thing
But would end up as another
Danger, passion, surprises had me runnin for cover
Word on the block was I was actin brand new
LIke i caught amnesia
Forgot everything & everyone i knew
Future had me on a high 
thought i'd never come down
wen in reality...
i was assin' myself out
lookin like a clown
forsaking everything i gained from Past
yes people, i'll admit
during that time.........i was an ASS!

I decided to text Past to see how she was
She told me that she hadn't forgotten bout me
Past says that her time in my life had been long gone
Nd even though the time we had could never b forgotten
It time for her to move on and fall back
Nd yes she forgave me for treatin her like crap
tears rolled down my cheeks cuz the girl of ma dreams was now slowly fadin' back
Back into a group of memories
Memories i could only see in my mind
I told her that i was sorry
Cuz since i had my head caught all in Future's ass
I was blinded by the fast excitement of wat she had to offer
instead of simply enjoyin the good times come
I simply sat back nd thought....wat have i done

Past texted me back 
some five dayz later
There was some chick she had wanted me to meet
Here name was Present but dont think she's miss Right Now
She knowz how to hold her own
Nd she holdz her man down
So me & Present began to talk
I liked her style cuz she was more than right now
She was all about actions, reactions nd important decisions
But she wasnt always strictly business
She taught me how to enjoy life at that moment
How to soak in tha laughter that would come every now & then
Appreciation was the first word wen i thought of her
Nd i hope i always wake up next to her
I sometimes wonder how many people forget or have already forgotten about her
Cuz they were lost in the good or bad times of Past 
or the Uncertainties and Mysteries of Future
Sometimes you just gotta live...wit Present...

~HeaRTleSS~