......Vent...Purge....Whatever

ok.....
This year is just for me
Just to get some things out cuz see
I dont know what its like to be me
right now...I dont feel whole
I paint on my happy face
When I awake
Becuase I dont know how to deal
I dont know how to acknowledge & assess whats real

So I decided to just use this as my canvas
I dont know how much is gonna spew
Or how organized it'll be.
But I'm just gonna type until I cant.
Dont expect any continuity, rhyme or reason
If you happen to stumble upon this.

*Deep breath*

Who Am I?
When did I become so weak?
Why do I worry so much?


Why wasn't I there for you?
You took a knife & literally carved out my future.
Told me I would never have to deceive anymore
Would never have to thieve anymore
Would never have to grieve anymore
The next day I was in the back of the 12 mobile
...a few months later I landed in the 704
....and I made a change...while knowing cuz of you
I'd forever remain humble, remain changed, remain heartless.
words will never be able to explain my hurt
or my gratitude.....I've had such a change in attitude
and i owe it all to you.....and now you're gone....
What the hell do I do now...
I've tried all my usual coping methods
And all its doing is exposing their massive ineffectiveness
Just feel like.....ehh fuck it.....

Why aren't I good enough for the truth?
The malice & poison you throw at me
Has to burn somewhere In there somewhere
because of the truth that lies out there where the Trojans play
but of course theres no way I'd ever know about it
History repeats itself I guess
& we appear to be two plates
following the tectonic flow of landmasses.

Is running away my best option?
I don't wanna go anywhere
But i feel....stagnant, complacent & useless.
and not to anyone...I mean for myself....
Cuz I put myself in this position
And now I have to pull myself out of myself....

Why...why why why

Sometimes I dont give a fuck
Other days I care too much
and sometimes i'd rather just launch all of my memories
into outer speace....

Miserable right now man....seems that football is my only pick-me-up