......Vent...Purge....Whatever

ok.....
This year is just for me
Just to get some things out cuz see
I dont know what its like to be me
right now...I dont feel whole
I paint on my happy face
When I awake
Becuase I dont know how to deal
I dont know how to acknowledge & assess whats real

So I decided to just use this as my canvas
I dont know how much is gonna spew
Or how organized it'll be.
But I'm just gonna type until I cant.
Dont expect any continuity, rhyme or reason
If you happen to stumble upon this.

*Deep breath*

Who Am I?
When did I become so weak?
Why do I worry so much?


Why wasn't I there for you?
You took a knife & literally carved out my future.
Told me I would never have to deceive anymore
Would never have to thieve anymore
Would never have to grieve anymore
The next day I was in the back of the 12 mobile
...a few months later I landed in the 704
....and I made a change...while knowing cuz of you
I'd forever remain humble, remain changed, remain heartless.
words will never be able to explain my hurt
or my gratitude.....I've had such a change in attitude
and i owe it all to you.....and now you're gone....
What the hell do I do now...
I've tried all my usual coping methods
And all its doing is exposing their massive ineffectiveness
Just feel like.....ehh fuck it.....

Why aren't I good enough for the truth?
The malice & poison you throw at me
Has to burn somewhere In there somewhere
because of the truth that lies out there where the Trojans play
but of course theres no way I'd ever know about it
History repeats itself I guess
& we appear to be two plates
following the tectonic flow of landmasses.

Is running away my best option?
I don't wanna go anywhere
But i feel....stagnant, complacent & useless.
and not to anyone...I mean for myself....
Cuz I put myself in this position
And now I have to pull myself out of myself....

Why...why why why

Sometimes I dont give a fuck
Other days I care too much
and sometimes i'd rather just launch all of my memories
into outer speace....

Miserable right now man....seems that football is my only pick-me-up

.....so...quick question

....at what point in time did the concept of "opinion" disappear off the face of the earth? How is it that if someone doesn't like a person, place, idea, or concept like you do, it is then ok, to attack this person's credibility and/or lifestyle or basically their opinion? Strange world we live in. People now have platforms where their 2 cents can be heard and felt at any time. But if someone were to DIRECTLY disagree with said 2 cents, you'll go out your way to belittle said person.

How does this work? When did this happen? People are so weak in their own mind where they can't accept the fact that someone sees a certain concept differently from  you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hearing another person out and still holding on to your own opinion. I mean....that is the basis of opinion right? Everyone can have their own that can be molded or shaped by what the eyes & ears take in & other influences. People are forever evolving mentally, both in a positive & negative manner. But it is very important to see that in order to make it far in this life, you have to not be so thin skinned. Everyone is not gonna like you, your mind, your ideas.......


O THE FUCK WELL...

Smiles

"Today is a day.....so its always a good day to smile....."

Smiles are so very necessary these days.

Smiles are a signal

Smiles are a deterrent

Smiles are indicators of great things

...past & current.

From the youngest to the oldest

A smile is universal

A smile is infectious

A smile shows the world

your day is currently headin in the right direction

A smile is golden

A smile is divine

So why dammit

....can't I seem to find mine.....

Maybe........

Do I seem perturbed?
Maybe I am
Maybe I am not.
Maybe I'm just releasing alot of things I had on the inside
Maybe I'm just taking in more than I can hide.
Maybe I'm destined for greatness.
Maybe I'm heading for failure.
Maybe I'm on a cosmic ride called life and I dont know where its taking me.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm insane.
Maybe I'm just here to change the game.
Maybe the game is broken...
Maybe life is supposed to be easy
Maybe I lied

...(ok I lied)...

Maybe you lied too?
Maybe thats what people that care do?
Maybe thats NOT what people that care do? (LOL)
Maybe you dont care?
Maybe I dont?
Maybe I should eat something?
....maybe I won't....
Maybe I want some water
Maybe I want some liquor
Maybe I should leave her alone
Maybe I Should kiss her
Maybe I'll do something productive today
Maybe I'll be lazy
All these questions & I never once questioned...
Maybe my black ass is crazy....

Maybe the laugh's on me
& Life was telling me a joke...

or thats how the song goes lol......

#HeartLess

Your Happy

....In a world where the selfish rule

with an iron fist

And passion is most found in dreams

Someone must've made a hell of a wish

That someone like me would come

And try to fill his world with some happy.

Even if temporary

I'd let you borrow parts of my soul

if it meant your world could feel whole

for just a few more minutes

And never questioned it

Cuz who couldn't use a pick-me-up

Even though at nights it tired me out

I wanted to curse, scream & shout

Proclaim my frustration at life's situations I found myself in

But I would hold it in, cuz I'm strong enough

I'd focus on what made me happy

And that's making others happy

But that's not needed now

All thats needed sometimes is a lil jump start

And you too can produce your own Happy

Wake it Up

I stepped up
Not knowing what to say
But somehow I knew
That you were just gonna be mine after today

Quit lookin down
Fixed my lips to speak
But quickly closed them
Couldn't get out a peep

Something about you was mesmerizing
Blinding in nature
I was fixated on the aura that surround you
....& yet my dumbass still couldn't say hey yet

"Hey...my is Funny...
Yes...that's my name...
you can call me that if you want"
I could see in your eyes.....its all game
You'd eye roll if you could
& I'd laugh it off, give a lil cough
About face & walk away
Mission for the day complete
But hey...it is what it is....
At least we spoke
Just another thought to us being one......

& Then I woke up.......

Mi Purga Uno

At times I don't I know whats best for me
Is it person, place or thing
That I'm out here trying to seek
Everyday is a confusing mundane repeat
Of something different...
yet its all the same
I try hard to maintain
But hey...even the strongest have a weakness

Mine....me? weakness....?
What's my weakness?
My heart....has to be the only answer
...well the only one I could muster
The beating drum that keeps me alive
Appears to be the cancer....slowly eating at me
I guess heart would be the real life representation
of feeling....so let me not say that much.

But I will say this....
I'm tired of feeling...and then the rationalizing...
And the reminding of whats real & fake that comes with it all
I'd rather say fuck it all
Cuz its easier that way
But of course thats not how this course works
Not tomorrow, not yesterday & not today
My life role is to be the supporter
The shoulder, the crutch, the dick
Whatever makes you feel better
Whatever makes you not feel as sick
When life begins to beat your face in
Call me & I'll stand in your place
Rest while life gets some licks in.


Yes I know I'm not making any sense
But this is just the beginning
To getting my rhythm back
And starting my mental cleanse

One Day Mayb (09/15/08)

Times neva cease
Gravity does pull
Things Flip (Brookmere!)
I'll trip
Nd wen I fall in life, It hurts

But Then I thought
Wat if One Day Mayb...
Wat if I Fall, Nd I doesn't hurt?
Wat if i cease to feel?
Feel joy
Feel pain
Feel life's sunshine
Feel life's rain
Wat if One Day Mayb...
I go from a being full of life
To just an empty shell
To cast human emotion
To the gates of hell
Into exile, out of sight
Out of mind.
Wat would it be like
If i saw you cry
I couldn't feel your pain
If i saw you mad
Id let you go insane
If you smiled at me with your eyes, 
I wouldnt catch the jist
It seems as tho the world as i kno
would cease to exist
If one day mayb....

Its like some of us treat those close to us.
Like all feeling has left our bones
Like past, present, & future feelings no longer hit home
Tears of sorrow are like ghosts
They go rite though you
Silence is a knife, cuz it'll tear right through you
Thats why i speak my mind
Bcuz a closed mouth leaves the world nothing left to do but assume
And we all kno damn well tha world assumes the worst
So open your mind, mouth & ears
Cuz you can't assume the "true" life i live
Cuz you can't handle the "true" life of a